I miss the way it feels to snuggle into you, my head laying on your chest & my arms wrapped about you. You holding me close with your strong arms but with the gentleness & love you once had toward me.

I miss you so much!

Some People

Some People destroy everything they touch!

Christine McVie - Got a Hold on Me (with lyrics)
















My Sweetheart (JJ) Sent this to me today...
Wed, Mar 3, 2010 at 12:15 PM
Subject: "Just for you Baby" 
Baby, I think I may have played this for you before, but below is a song I keep thinking of, for and about you....



Christine McVie

GOT A HOLD ON ME


You're liftin' me up
Never let me down
And I smile
Whenever you're around
Ooh, and I've got a feeling
It'll work out right
Can't stop thinking about you
Every day and night

oooh I've got a love
I've got somebody's love
Got a hold on me
Yeah, I've got a love
I've got somebody's love
Got a hold on me


Well, I've been in love
And I've lost
I can count the tears
But I can't count the cost
Ooooh, I've been down
I've been used
Now I know, I know, I know
That I just can't lose

oooh I've got a love
I've got somebody's love
Got a hold on me
oooh I've got a love
I've got somebody's love
Got a hold on me
oooh I've got a love
I've got somebody's love
Got a hold on me
oooh I've got a love
I've got somebody's love
Got a hold on me

[Instrumental Interlude]

Yeah, I've got a love
I've got somebody's love
Got a hold on me
oooh I've got a love
I've got somebody's love
Got a hold on me
I've got a love
I've got somebody's love
Got a hold on me
I've got a love
I've got somebody's love
Got a hold on me
oooh I've got a love
I've got somebody's love
Got a hold on me
I've got a love
I've got somebody's love
Got a hold on me

***---------*~*|*~*---------***
For Your Pleasure My Dear Visitors. Here is the link to the YouTube video you see above.





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1K9VS9ccMHU

For All You Music Enthusiast
Here is the link and the original video from when
she first introduced the song..





Click to go to this videos page.







Eight Keys to a Happier Marriage

~*~Words from Experience & Wisdom~*~

~*~Eight Keys to a Happier Marriage~*~


Photo by Dr. Hemmert
Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Collis Ta’eed of FreelanceSwitch.
Newly weds are often asked ‘how’s married life?’ As with everything in life, the answer depends on you. For some, marriage is another word for frustration and even misery. For others it is the bedrock of strength and support they build the rest of their lives around.

What are the differences that lead such a fundamental part of daily life down two totally opposing avenues? I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I can share with you the things that have helped me in my years of marriage to what I feel is a very strong and happy relationship.

1. Work on Your Marriage. Like most of us, I learnt what I know about marriage from my parents. When my father once said to me marriage requires attention, the moment you stop working on your marriage is the moment it begins to falterI can remember thinking, this didn’t sound very much like the movies. After all a wedding is the culmination of a movie, that’s when everything is all sorted out and you don’t have to worry about anything any more, right? Alas, like in many other things, my father has proven correct.
As we’ll discuss in the proceeding paragraphs, maintaining a healthy marriage requires sacrifices, attention and care. It helps to think of your marriage as a living thing in itself. Like all living things, it needs nourishment and protection, healing when it is sick, and space to grow and flourish.

These are all nice words, but what does that mean on a practical level? It means you need to always think about your marriage and not take it for granted. It means you need to be vigilant against things that might threaten it, not just the obvious things like temptation, but the subtle things like imbalances in responsibility and duty, comparisons to others, jealousy and so on. It means you need to nourish your marriage with thoughtfulness for the other’s needs, find time together and sometimes even time apart. It means when things are going wrong you need to stop and think about how you can improve them and perhaps what sacrifices you need to make. It means that a marriage needs to go forward, to change as you both change and to grow stronger.

2. Don’t Leave Things Unsaid. I watched a movie once – I think it was one of those British romantic comedies – where a man is asked why his marriage failed and he replies “Because we left too many things unsaid” and though I don’t normally take advice from movies, this one I took to heart.

If you don’t voice your problems they have nowhere to go.
Worse if you voice them to people not in your marriage – i.e. friends, coworkers, anyone else – then instead of airing your dirty laundry {within the walls of your marriage} you let it fester.
No matter how long two people have known each other there will still be things that they don’t pick up when unspoken. Sure you may think your partner knows what you’re thinking, but what if they don’t? Which leads us to number 3…

3. Speak Plainly. The very worst thing you can do in a relationship is play games with each other. No, not the twister or monopoly varieties, I mean mind games. It’s tempting when you are in a bad mood or when you don’t want to be hurt to be passive aggressive, to not say what you mean, to make veiled hints in order to test the other person and so on. Tempting, but it doesn’t go anywhere except sour.

I think it’s fairly obvious why clear communication leads to a better marriage, and yet it can be difficult to do. But if you have something to say, whether it is to voice some upset, to show that you care or anything else, then you must speak plainly if you hope for the other person to understand. And if you weren’t hoping for them to understand, why are you talking?

Speaking indirectly usually begins during dating or courting. We do it because it avoids us opening up to being hurt. At this early stage if you were to tell someone how much you liked them and they shot you down it would be painful. So to compensate we move slowly and only hint at our feelings until we see enough back from the other person that we start to open up. This is OK.

The problem is when speaking indirectly continues on into the relationship. At that point you should be able to trust the person enough to express your feelings. If they abuse them then you leave. By keeping your guard up you only put huge barriers in the middle of your relationship.

Speaking indirectly is also a bad idea when one person just doesn’t get it. When you have one partner playing games and the other doesn’t really understand their behaviour at times they will begin to resent the other and inevitably this will lead to problems.

Passive aggression on the other hand is when a partner rather than voicing their upsets appears to be smiling, calm, and usually puts bite into words that shouldn’t have it. Over time passive aggression can become less and less veiled and turn into exasperation, distain even disgust.

Another bad habit is what is called stonewalling. This is when a partner simply shuts the other out, going silent, ignoring them or even leaving for a time. Stonewalling has obvious consequences of frustration and anger and quickly leads to cycles of increasing problems as one person stonewalls while the other becomes more and more frustrated, then becomes less and less reasonable leading to further stonewalling.

If you only take one thing away from my words, let it be to speak plainly, avoid passive aggression, avoid games and avoid speaking indirectly.
When you say what you mean and communicate your feelings clearly the other person has a proper chance to respond.

4. Be Vulnerable. Too often we don’t want to put our feelings and thoughts out there. Particularly if we’ve had bad experiences when younger, or if simply taught to be that way by watching our parents and peers. Admitting that you are vulnerable – everyone is – is the corollary to speaking plainly.

It is important to remember that this is your partner and they love you and you love them.
Between the two of you, if you both speak plainly and admit vulnerability, then you will be able to resolve problems.
It may take time, you may have many hurdles to get over, but what other recourse is there than resolution?
After all neither of you are out to get the other – remember you love each other!

The flipside to being vulnerable is you get hurt sometimes.  
Don’t let this close you off, remember this just means that wasn’t the right person, or maybe circumstances or perhaps even a little closer to home, or maybe there were other things going wrong.  
Whatever the case, you don’t need to hide away.
Without being open to hurt, you won’t be open to the joys of marriage and relationships.

5. Accept your Partner. It is tempting to find a person and try to shape them into the partner you really want. Trying to change a person never works. People know when they are not accepted in their entirety and it hurts.

You shouldn’t go into a marriage or a relationship thinking to change someone. And if you do remember the most you can do is explain what it is, explain how it affects you or why it affects you and if it’s important, then they may change. And if they don’t, then think about all the things that they may wish changed in you.

Of course if there are too many things you want to change, it is important to face that this may not be the right person for you, or you may be expecting too much. People will be what they will be, spending your marriage life trying to shift habits and personalities is like trying to push boulders up a mountain, tiring and not very fun.

6. Spend Time Together. It’s obvious, but a relationship without any face time is going to have problems. I have met happy couples who spend months apart because of work commitments, but they are few and far between and more often than not, their happiness is more a testament to their character and emotional abilities than anything else.

Of course spending time together doesn’t simply mean being in the same room, it means actively finding time where you engage with each other. It may even take work and effort, but remember from above, a happy marriage takes work!

Spending time together, also often entails spending some time alone. Children, even pets can sometimes be barriers to engaging with one another. Even if you simply have a few moments while they run off, it’s important to be alone too.

7. Make Time for Both Your Ambitions and Goals. It is all too easy to focus on your own goals and ambitions and hope or even assume that your partner shares them. If you don’t know what your partner’s life goals are, ask them.

In my marriage, I have goals that are to do largely with working, whereas my wife wants to travel the world.
If we did either and not the other, one of us would feel unfulfilled.
The solution is of course balance. We try to do one then a little of the other, then switch.

8. Be Clear and Assertive. While it is important to be vulnerable, to make sure your partners goals are being looked after, that you accept your partner and all the other things we’ve talked about, it’s equally important not to be trampled over. You should always be clear and assertive about your own feelings, your own needs and your own goals. Remember that your own happiness is essential to a happy marriage.


Read more from Collis Ta’eed at FreelanceSwitch.

If you liked this article, please bookmark it! I’d appreciate it. :)

Eydie Gorme - Blame it on the Bossa Nova

Eydie Gorme - Blame it on the Bossa Nova

I was at a dance when he caught my eye
Standin' all alone lookin' sad and shy
We began to dance, swaying' to and fro
And soon I knew I'd never let him go

Blame it on the bossa nova with its magic spell
Blame it on the bossa nova that he did so well
Oh, it all began with just one little dance
But then it ended up a big romance
Blame it on the bossa nova
The dance of love

(Now was it the moon?)
No, no, the bossa nova
(Or the stars above?)
No, no, the bossa nova
(Now was it the tune?)
Yeah, yeah, the bossa nova
(The dance of love)



Now I'm glad to say I'm his bride to be
And we're gonna raise a family
And when our kids ask how it came about
I'm gonna say to them without a doubt

Blame it on the bossa nova with its magic spell
Blame it on the bossa nova that he did so well
Oh, it all began with just one little dance
But then it ended up a big romance
Blame it on the bossa nova
The dance of love

(Now was it the moon?)
No, no, the bossa nova
(Or the stars above?)
No, no, the bossa nova
(Now was it the tune? )
Yeah, yeah, the bossa nova
(The dance of love)

(Now was it the moon?)
No, no, the bossa nova
(Or the stars above ?)
FADE
No, no, the bossa nova

Note the woefully out-of-tune organ in the instrumental break of this song. Eydie Gorme
later tried a unsuccessful sequel nine months later called "Can't Get over the Bossa
Nova." Around the same time, Elvis had a related Top 10 hit, "Bossa Nova Baby" in October
of the same year. The phrase "bossa nova" means "new wave" in Portuguese.

Kindness between spouses as a reflection of faith.

Kindness between spouses as a reflection of faith.


I came across this page by chance & was happy the hear these beliefs & practice's.
If we had this in our relaionships it would make life a happier more peaceful place.
Do You Agree?




Kind Treatment of Wives

God instructs men to be nice to their wives and to treat them well to the best of their ability:
“…And live with them in kindness…” (Quran 4:19)
The Messenger of God said, The most perfect of believers in belief is the best of them in character.  The best of you are those who are the best to their women.’[1]  The Prophet of Mercy tells us that a husband’s treatment of his wife reflects a Muslim’s good character, which in turn is a reflection of the man’s faith.  How can a Muslim husband be good to his wife?  He should smile, not hurt her emotionally, remove anything that will harm her, treat her gently, and be patient with her.
Being nice includes good communication.  A husband should be willing to open up, and be willing to listen to his wife.  Many times a husband wants to air his frustrations (like work).  He should not forget to ask her about what annoys her (like when children would not do their homework).  A husband should not talk about important things with her when he or his wife is angry, tired, or hungry.  Communication, compromise, and consideration are the cornerstone of marriage.
Being nice includes encouraging one’s wife.  The most meaningful admiration comes from a sincere heart that notices what really matters — what the wife really values.  So a husband should ask himself what she feels most insecure about and discover what she values.  That is the wife’s sweet spot of praise.  The more the husband compliments it, the more the wife will admire it, the more on target this healthy habit will be.  Kind words are like, “I like the way you think,” “You look beautiful in those clothes,” and “I love hearing your voice on the phone.”
Human beings are imperfect.  The Messenger of God said, “A believing man should not hate a believing woman.  If he dislikes something in her character, he should be pleased with some other trait of hers.”[2]  A man should not hate his wife because if he dislikes something in her, he will find something he likes about her if he gives it a chance.  One way to be aware of what he likes in his wife is for the husband to make a list of a half dozen things he appreciates about her.  Marriage experts recommend that one be as specific as possible and focus on character traits — just as the Prophet of Islam recommended, not just what she does for the husband.  For example, a husband may appreciate the way she arranges his clean laundry, but the underlying character trait may be that she is thoughtful.  The husband should consider admirable traits such as being compassionate, generous, kind, devout, creative, elegant, honest, affectionate, energetic, gentle, optimistic, committed, faithful, confident, cheerful, and so on.  A husband should give himself some time to construct this list, and review it in times of conflict when he is most likely to feel averse towards his wife.  It will help him be more aware of his wife’s good attributes and far more likely to compliment them.
A companion asked the Prophet of God what is the right of a wife over her husband?’  He said, “That you feed her when you eat and clothe her when you clothe yourself and do not strike her face.  Do not malign her and do not keep apart from her, except in the house.”[3]
Conflict in marriage is virtually inevitable and it leads to lot of anger.  Although anger is one of the most difficult emotions to manage, the first step toward controlling it can be learning how to forgive those who hurt us.  In case of conflict, a husband should not stop talking to his wife and emotionally hurt her, but he may stop sleeping in the same bed if it will improve the situation.  Under no circumstance, even when he is angry or somehow feels Reading thisjustified, is a husband allowed to malign her by using hurtful words or cause her any injury.



The Malice of Lying


Humane Treatment of Animals

The Virtue of Truthfulness (part 1 of 2): The Status and Reward of Truthfulness
The Virtue of Truthfulness (part 2 of 2): Lying and Hypocrisy



How Do Muslims Treat the Elderly?









Kindness to Parents (part 1 of 3): Duty and Devotion
Kindness to Parents (part 2 of 3): The Value of Motherhood: Paradise is at Her Feet
Kindness to Parents (part 3 of 3): Even After Death
Generosity
Honesty
Humility
Trustworthiness
Respect (part 1 of 3)
Respect (part 2 of 3)
Respect (part 3 of 3)
Consideration for Neighbours






The Etiquette of Eating (part 1 of 2): Before and during the Meal
The Etiquette of Eating (part 2 of 2): After Eating
Personal Hygiene (part 1 of 2): Cleanliness is Half of Faith
Personal Hygiene (part 2 of 2): The Natural Way






























Let Things Go

 Lakewood Church



Let Things Go | Marriage | Thoughts On | Hope For Today | Joel Osteen Ministries




#443 - You Are Uncontainable
#442 - Silencing the Voice of the Accuser
#407 - Activating Faith Instead of Fear
#441 - Your Destiny Supersedes Your Mistakes
 




Joel Osteen at Lakewood Church, Houston, Texas









Live at Peace With One Another

When I first got married, I'd get so uptight if Victoria didn't turn all the lights off at the house when she left. That was my pet peeve. I would give her my speech again and again, and every time say, "Victoria, you've got to be sure and turn off all the lights."





Well, sure enough, when I'd come home all the lights would be on! I would get so uptight and give her my same speech again and again. And understand, she didn't do it on purpose; we just have different personalities and different strengths. After about five years of harping on that, I'm a slow learner; I realized I was bringing tension into the house by getting uptight. It finally dawned on me, and I thought to myself, "Joel, this is not a battle worth fighting. If it costs you an extra $10 a month in electricity, then that is well worth keeping the peace in your home." The rewards were not big enough for the heartache it was causing me. It was worth the extra $10 to have peace in our home.Scripture says if at all possible, live at peace with one another. Make every effort to keep the bond of peace. In our marriages, this is extremely important. Walking in peace means that sometimes we just have to let things go. Some things are not worth starting World War II over!
If Your Spouse Always Does This, But You Prefer That, Just Let It Go.
I know spouses who get so upset about the little things that they start looking outward at others thinking, "Maybe I should just go with them, with that person…they wouldn't do this."
But let me tell you, that's a trick of the enemy. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes and get on each other's nerves, or they do something that we can't stand; but is it worth disrupting the peace by focusing on that? And drawing the negativity out?
You see, when we fight over little things, our energy is robbed and we slowly begin to allow a wedge to come between us. That's when dangerous comparisons can begin, and we start thinking that we need something else. It's like this giant snowball; it started out as something small, but escalated into something large, potentially breaking up the marriage.
I heard somebody say, "People will leave a marriage with somebody that has 80% of what they need because they find the other 20% in somebody else. But what they don't realize is no one has it all. And if you leave the 80% to find the 20% that your spouse doesn't have, you'll soon realize that other person is lacking in 20% of something else." You're still going to have something to deal with. Someone else is still going to have some small things to look over that get on your nerves. I say this lightly, but if you can just make this small change in your thinking, you won't be comparing anymore.
Is It Worth The Snowball Efect?
Think about it, is it really worth this much strife and division over the small things? Is it worth all the egg shells that each of you feel that you have to walk on and the strife brought into the home? Is it worth the snowball effect?

've found it’s easy to start a fight, but it's hard to end a fight. It's easy to get offended and say things that we know we shouldn't, but it's hard to stop it. It's hard to let it go. It's much better to never even start it. That's what it says in Proverbs 20:3, "Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor." If you want God to honor you, if you want to enjoy your marriage, you need to be a peacemaker. Be the kind of spouse that will avoid an unnecessary fight, a fight that's not going to produce any good rewards. Your home needs to be a place of peace. You and your spouse need to be in harmony. You are stronger together than you are apart. Not only that, your children need to see a good example. They're going to treat their family the same way they see you treating each other.
Let me ask you a question: Are you fighting battles with your spouse that can be overlooked?

I'm not saying you will never disagree with one another, but if there are disagreements, make sure it's at least something important and worthwhile. Don't disagree over whether the lights are always left on or not or a small pet peeve.

I would encourage you to daily pray to God for self-control in your marriage – the kind of self-control that is patient and kind, even when irritated or frustrated. We all know what those small things are in our marriage. I'm asking that you make a commitment to your spouse and God to learn to overlook the small things in love and let go. Learn to not make a big deal out of things that are not a big deal. For me, I learned to let my pet peeve go; I wanted my house to be full of peace and not strife.
Let's learn to celebrate what our spouse does right and focus on the good. Remember the reasons why you fell in love with that person! You'll be amazed at how much difference it will make in your marriage when you learn to let the little things go.
 

JOEL OSTEEN


Joel Osteen is pastor of Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas – a vibrant and diverse church that Forbes calls the largest and fastest-growing congregation in America. Joel shares a positive message of hope and encouragement that extends all around the world. This message reaches all across America and 100 nations of the world. Joel's books, Your Best Life Now and Become a Better You, quickly became #1 New York Times Bestsellers and are distributed worldwide in several languages.


 

Thu, Jan 8, 2009

Thu, Jan 8, 2009 at 3:14 AM
subject Re: Perfection in my Eyes


JJ
I Love You More & More Every Day,
But Never As Much As I Will Love you Tomorrow...
Thank You for Brightening My Day....
Thank You For Trying...
Thank You For Being You....
Michelle



On Thu, Jan 8, 2009 at 1:03 AM, J J wrote:



Michelle
All I ever wanted was to be part of your heart,
And for us to be together, to never be apart.

No one else in the world can even compare,
You're perfect and so is this love that we share.

We have so much more than I ever thought we would,
I love you more than I ever thought I could.

I promise to give you all I have to give,
I'll do anything for you as long as I live.

In your eyes I see our present, our future and past,
By the way you look at me I know we will last.

I hope that one day you'll come to realize,
How perfect you are when seen through my eyes.

JJ

- Ashley Borden -

For you I would...........

For you I would climb
The highest mountain peak
Swim the deepest ocean
Your love I do seek.

For you I would cross
The rivers most wide
Walk the hottest desert sand
To have you by my side.

For you are the one
Who makes me whole
You've captured my heart
And touched my soul.

For you are the one
That stepped out of my dreams
Gave me new hope
Showed me what love means.

For you alone
Are my reason to live
For the compassion you show
And the care that you give.

You came into my life
And made me complete
Each time I see you
My heart skips a beat.

For you define beauty
In both body and mind
Your soft, gentle face
More beauty I'll ne'er find.

For you are the one
God sent from above
The angel I needed
For whom I do love.

- Chris Messick -

In Your Arms

In Your Arms
by Beverly Gusler
Let the heavens roar, I'm not afraid,
For I'm safe in your arms tonight.
Wrapped, In this blanket of love,
That together we have woven.
Sharing the moment, Caught up, In the age old mystery,
Of this thing called passion.
Skin against skin,
My heat against your coolness.
The slightest brush, of your fingertips, Flaming my desires.
Your eyes beckon, teasing me,
Causing me to ache, For that sweet surrender.
Yearning, for that blessed release,
I melt into your arms, Lost to the world around me.
For in your arms alone, I am complete.
Whole and untouched, by the heartaches that haunt me
And even yet, I would live them all again,
If they would bring me here to you.

Love Is ...

Love Is ...

Love is the greatest feeling,
Love is like a play,
Love is what I feel for you,
Each and every day,
Love is like a smile,
Love is like a song,
Love is a great emotion,
That keeps us going strong,
I love you with my heart,
My body and my soul,
I love the way I keep loving,
Like a love I can't control,
So remember when your eyes meet mine,
I love you with all my heart,
And I have poured my entire soul into you,
Right from the very start.

Soul Mates

Soul Mates
by Wendy Lue Wise

Our hearts are entangled
in a dance of love,
giving way, for emotion,
beyond the realm of time,
lasting a second longer,
than a moment in life,
nothing so beautiful,
nothing so refined.

We are blessed within our souls,
by God himself,
he gave his love,
for us to share, for this, I thank God,
for even a moment without you,
would be more than I could bare.

We hold in our hearts a gift from God,
he has brought us together, through fate,
it is we who will walk in his arms of love
and know he has given us the gift of soul mates.

2me

My Dearest Michelle,
I love you very much, it is very deep and passionate, and with all that I am. Today I am marrying you, my best friend, my lover and true soul mate. I promise you these many things, I give you all my love, my heart, my mind, my body, my soul. I give myself to you fully and completely. I will do this unselfishly and unconditionally, I will always strive to be very patient, kind, understanding and giving. I will make whatever sacrifices to ensure the sanctity of our love and our marriage. I will always be there for you, to protect you, to take care of you, to lift you up, especially when you are feeling down, to give you that gentle hug, warm embrace, tender kiss, or that loving smile that says I love you and I care, to always be your best friend, your one and only that you can count on for anything, anytime, anywhere. To give you that peace that I am yours and that I will always put you and our love first and foremost. I will never take you or your love for granted. I will cherish you, honor you, respect you and be faithful to you. I will love you with every beat of my heart, with every breath I take, and with every fiber of my being. I am honored to become your husband, Nothing will stand in my way, for I will always and forever be all I am for you, because, Your everything to me.
JJ

Strengthen your relationships- Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships......

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Domestic Violence and Abuse

Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships



Domestic Violence and Abuse: Types, Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Effects
Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.
Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.

Understanding domestic violence and abuse

Men can be victims, too

Women are not the only victims of domestic violence and abuse. Men also suffer from domestic abuse—especially verbal and emotional abuse—and may be even more ashamed to seek help.
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under their thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Domestic violence and abuse do not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally.

Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence and even murder. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. No one deserves this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

You don’t have to live in fear

If you are afraid for your safety or have been beaten by your partner:

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.
SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you:
  • feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
  • avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
  • feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
  • believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
  • wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
  • feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
  • humiliate or yell at you?
  • criticize you and put you down?
  • treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
  • ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
  • blame you for his own abusive behavior?
  • see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats
Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
  • have a bad and unpredictable temper?
  • hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
  • threaten to take your children away or harm them?
  • threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
  • force you to have sex?
  • destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:
  • act excessively jealous and possessive?
  • control where you go or what you do?
  • keep you from seeing your friends or family?
  • limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
  • constantly check up on you?

Physical violence is just one form of domestic abuse

When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all domestic abuse involves violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused.
Domestic abuse takes many forms, including psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. These types of abuse are less obvious than physical abuse, but that doesn’t mean they’re not damaging. In fact, these types of domestic abuse can be even more harmful because they are so often overlooked—even by the person being abused.

Emotional or psychological abuse

The aim of emotional or psychological abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so. Furthermore, emotional abuse usually worsens over time, often escalating to physical battery.

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, between one-third and one-half of all battered women are raped by their partners at least once during their relationship. Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse.
Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, women whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

Economic or financial abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:
  • Rigidly controlling your finances.
  • Withholding money or credit cards.
  • Making you account for every penny you spend.
  • Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, vehicle, shelter).
  • Restricting you to an allowance.
  • Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
  • Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
  • Stealing from you or taking your money.


It Is Still Abuse If . . .

  • The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
  • The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.
  • The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
  • There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.
Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska (PDF)

Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

  • Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.
  • Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their powerHumiliation – An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
  • Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
  • ThreatsAbusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
  • Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
  • Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:

  • He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
  • If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
  • The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.
Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:
  • Cycle of violenceAbuse Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
  • GuiltAfter abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
  • "Normal" behaviorYour abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep you in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give you hope that your abusive partner has really changed this time.
  • "Normal" behavior The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
  • Fantasy and planning Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
  • Set-up Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.
Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse

It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.

General warning signs of domestic abuse

People who are being abused may:
  • Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
  • Go along with everything their partner says and does.
  • Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.
  • Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
  • Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

Warning signs of physical violence

People who are being physically abused may:
  • Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”
  • Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
  • Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).

Warning signs of isolation

People who are being isolated by their abuser may:
  • Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
  • Rarely go out in public without their partner.
  • Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.

The psychological warning signs of abuse

People who are being abused may:
  • Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
  • Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn).
  • Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse

Do's and Don't's

Do:
Ask.
Express concern.
Listen and validate.
Offer help.
Support her decisions.
Don’t:
Wait for her to come to you.
Judge or blame.
Pressure her.
Give advice.

Place conditions on your support.

If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the woman might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save her life.
Talk to the person in private and let her know that you’re concerned about her safety. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell her that when and if she wants to talk about it, you’re there for her. Reassure her that you’ll keep whatever she tells you between the two of you, and let her know that you’ll help in any way you can.
Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. Abused and battered women are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they have often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.

Related articles

Help, Treatment, Intervention, and PreventionHelp for Abused and Battered Women: Domestic Violence Shelters, Support, and Protection
Learn how to protect yourself from domestic violence and leave an abusive relationship safely. Includes tips on getting a restraining order, finding a shelter, and staying safe after you’ve left.

More Helpguide articles:

Related links for domestic violence and domestic abuse

Domestic violence hotlines and help

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. (Texas Council on Family Violence)
State Coalition List – Directory of state offices that can help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost legal services. Includes all U.S. states, as well as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

Warning signs of abusive relationships and domestic violence

Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook – Guide to domestic violence covers common myths, what to say to a victim, and what communities can do about the problem. (U.S. Department of Agriculture)
Domestic Violence: The Cycle of Violence – Learn about the cycle of violence common to abusive relationships. (Mid-Valley Women’s Crisis Service)
The Problem – Offers a checklist of behaviors and feelings that will help you assess whether you are in an abusive relationship. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
Domestic Violence Warning Signs – Describes common warning signs that a woman is being emotionally abused or beaten. (Safe Place, Michigan State University)

For men

Intimate Partner Abuse Against Men – Learn about domestic violence against men, including homosexual partner abuse, sexual abuse of boys and male teenagers, and abuse by wives or partners. (National Clearinghouse on Family Violence, Canada)

For gay men and women

Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships – Describes myths about same-sex abuse; unique problems of the victims of same-sex abuse; and what society and professionals can do to help. (Education Wife Assault)

For immigrant women

Information for Immigrants – Domestic violence resources for immigrant women. En EspaƱol: InformaciĆ³n para Inmigrantes. (Women’s Law Initiative)

For teens

Dating Violence – Guide to teen dating violence, including early warning signs that your boyfriend or girlfriend may become abusive. (The Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
Teens: Love Doesn’t Have To Hurt (PDF) – A teen-friendly guide to what abuse looks like in dating relationships and how to do something about it. (American Psychological Association)

Delving deeper into domestic violence and abuse

Violence Against Women – Information on domestic violence from the U.S. government. Includes a list of state resources and a fact sheet on identifying abuse. (The National Women’s Health Information Center)
Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse – Electronic clearinghouse of information about domestic violence and abuse, including a searchable online library of articles.
Melinda Smith, M.A.; Pat Davies; and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., contributed to this article. Last reviewed: September 2009.

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